Beyond The Wait...

A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility

Issue #4 10th February 2025

Dear Reader,

The emotional weight of infertility can often feel overwhelming, particularly when trauma and loss become part of our story. Today, we're creating space to explore these complex feelings and remember that you're not alone in navigating them.

This Week's Story: A Christmas Day Due Date

Shared anonymously

We found out we were pregnant and due Christmas Day! The morning sickness started and stopped by week 8. Around this time, I had a terrible dream, I was at work and went to the toilet to find that there was lots of blood.

Scan day: The monitor you look at was not working. She asked, “are you sure you gave your dates right?”. I explained that they were, and she got a second opinion. The other lady came in and looked at the scan, then she said “I’m very sorry but you have had a missed miscarriage”.

I was given the option to have a D and C or let the miscarriage happen naturally. I could not think straight, I just wanted to go home and to cry and just get out of there. On the way out I needed the toilet, there was blood, all I remember thinking was ‘my dream is coming true’. That night I was in a lot of pain. I had not been given any pain relief. I didn’t know if it was normal I wasn’t told what to expect.

The next day my partner went to work. Later there was still lots of pain the bleeding got worse. It then began to get so heavy my sanitary pad was filling up in minutes. I had to sit in the bath.So, we went to A and E.

We got there, I had another sudden gush of blood, and it went everywhere, and I saw a mother holding her child Turing her away. I felt ashamed, holding my head in my hands, scared, terrified. As they took blood I fainted and had a fit. Then woke up on a hospital bed with a breathing mask on and they had wrapped me in blankets. I was in hypothermic shock.

I remember not sleeping hearing pregnant woman coming in having complications. The next day I could not get hold of anyone before I went to surgery. So, I went alone.

One thing that sticks in my head when a family member spoke to me once I was home and said, “when would it have been due?” I said “Christmas Day” and their response “oh well you wouldn’t have wanted a Christmas baby!” I was so hurt and shocked by this response.

I still cry now 15 years later. I know the fathers feel the pain as much as the Mothers and they sometimes get forgotten.

---

Deep Dive: Understanding Trauma Through the Fertility Journey

As both a clinical psychologist and someone on this journey, I've noticed how rarely we talk about the traumatic nature of infertility. Often, when people think of trauma, they think of single, dramatic events. But fertility trauma can be different – it can involve single dramatic events, like the story above, but it's also often cumulative, building layer upon layer with each disappointment, each medical procedure, each loss.

What makes fertility trauma unique:

1. It's ongoing
   • Unlike a single traumatic event, fertility trauma often continues to unfold
   • Each negative test, failed treatment, or loss can reinforce the trauma response
   • The monthly nature of trying to conceive means repeated exposure to potential triggers
2. It's invisible
   • Others often can't see or understand the depth of what you're experiencing
   • This can lead to feelings of isolation and invalidation
   • Well-meaning comments can minimize your experience
3. It affects your relationship with your body
   • Many people describe feeling betrayed by their bodies
   • This leads to a complex form of trauma that affects your sense of self
   • Medical procedures can further impact body autonomy
4. It's cyclical
   • Hope and disappointment can create an exhausting emotional cycle
   • Each new cycle brings both possibility and potential for more trauma
   • The repetitive nature can make it hard to process each experience

What you might be experiencing:

• Heightened anxiety around medical appointments
• Avoiding certain places or situations (baby showers, pregnancy announcements)
• Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected
• Physical responses to triggers (racing heart, nausea, panic)
• Difficulty making future plans
• Intrusive thoughts about past losses or failed treatments

A Note from My Psychologist Self

One thing I often share with my clients is that trauma responses aren't signs of weakness – they're your body and mind trying to protect you from further pain. While we can't always control the outcome of our fertility journey, we can develop tools to help us feel more grounded and supported along the way. Your responses to trauma are normal reactions to abnormal situations.

---

This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Creating a Calm Space

When trauma responses feel overwhelming, having a designated safe space can help ground you. This week, try creating a physical or mental sanctuary:

Physical Safe Space:

1. Choose a comfortable corner in your home
2. Add comforting items (soft blankets, calming scents, photos that bring peace)
3. Include self-soothing tools (journal, calming playlist, self-compassion statement – e.g. I did not choose this, it is not my fault, and I am not alone)
4. Make it easily accessible when triggers arise

Mental Safe Space: this is one I use regularly with my clients

1. Close your eyes and imagine a place where you feel completely safe
2. Notice the details - what can you see, hear, smell, feel?
3. Practice visiting this space during calm moments
4. Use it as a resource when feeling overwhelmed

Remember: Your safe space is yours alone - there's no "right" way to create it.

---

Your Story Matters

Have you experienced trauma through your fertility journey? Would you like to share your story with our community? Your words could help others feel less alone.

If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email. Your story matters, and this is a safe space to share it.

Looking for Support?

My therapy waitlist is currently open. If you're finding yourself overwhelmed by the emotional weight of your fertility journey and would like professional support, reply to this email to learn more about joining the waitlist.

Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.

With compassion,

Dr. Grace 💕

GLB Psychology - Supporting you through your fertility journey

@thenotsofertilepsychologist

Subscribe to Beyond the Wait