Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #9 17th March 2025
Dear Reader,
There are moments on this journey when the outside world crashes in, reminding us that our deeply personal struggles sometimes invite unwanted opinions. This week, I experienced one of those moments, and I wanted to share it with you.
This Week's Story: When Someone Questions Not Just Your Choice, But Your Work
By Dr. Grace
A few weeks ago, I shared a post on Instagram about being awake at 3am with "what if" thoughts about our fertility journey. Among supportive responses was one comment that left me shaken.
The person asked if I had "room in my brain with all those 'what-ifs' to consider anything from the child's perspective." They called me "selfish" for wanting to bring a child into "a life that is hell" and described in detail why they felt the world was so awful. Most painfully, they claimed I was "encouraging other women to overlook worries that could save them and a child from enduring hell" and accused me of "talking women and children into perpetuating oppression and suffering" through my professional work.
I won't pretend it didn't hurt. My hands trembled as I read the words. In those vulnerable moments when I already wrestle with uncertainty, having someone question not just my personal choices but suggest my professional work was causing harm, cut deeply.
These words tapped into existential questions many of us on the fertility journey contemplate—about bringing children into an imperfect world. For a moment, this stranger's dark perspective merged with my own fears.
After deep breaths and reaching out to friends, clarity returned: this person knows nothing about me, my values, or the women I work with. They know nothing about the careful thought each person puts into their fertility decisions.
What struck me was the incredible presumption behind such comments—someone believing they have the moral authority to tell others they shouldn't have children, as if they alone understand the complex ethics of bringing new life into the world.
I share this because many of you have faced similar judgment from family, friends, or strangers. When these judgments from others touch our deepest values, they hurt.
But here's what I've learned: these attacks often say more about the person delivering them than about us. They're usually speaking from their own pain, not wisdom.
This experience has only strengthened my resolve. I'll continue to be a voice that stands against those who think they can dictate what others should do with their bodies or reproductive choices. Your desire for a child is valid and beautiful, and no one has the right to shame you for it.
Deep Dive: Navigating Judgments About Your Path to Parenthood
While my recent experience represents the extreme end of the judgment spectrum, most people on fertility journeys face more common, but still hurtful, opinions about how they choose to build their families. Let's explore these judgments and how to navigate them:
The Many Faces of Fertility Judgment
Judgment comes in many forms, from the extreme "should you even have children?" to the seemingly innocent "have you tried just relaxing?" People pursuing various paths to parenthood often face specific criticisms:
- Those using IVF might hear: "Isn't that playing God?" or "Why not just accept what nature intended?"
- Those considering donor eggs, sperm, or embryos face: "But don't you want a child that's really yours?" or "Won't the child be confused about their identity?"
- Single parents by choice encounter: "A child needs both parents" or "Isn't that selfish to deprive a child of a father/mother?"
- Those pursuing adoption after fertility struggles hear: "You should have just done that in the first place"
What connects all these judgments is the presumption that others know better than you about what's right for your family.
Why These Comments Hurt
These judgments sting because they simplify deeply complex and personal decisions. They ignore the countless hours you've spent researching, soul-searching, discussing with partners or trusted people, and carefully weighing options.
They also tap into societal narratives about what makes a "real" family or what is a "natural" way to become a parent—narratives that are deeply ingrained yet increasingly outdated as we understand the wonderful diversity of family formation.
Finding Your Centre When Faced With Judgment
When you encounter judgment about your path to parenthood, remember:
- You have likely considered these questions more deeply than anyone offering casual opinions
- The path to parenthood isn't a moral test—it's a deeply personal journey with many valid routes
- Those with the easiest paths to parenthood often have the strongest opinions about others' choices
- Your thoughtful consideration of complex questions shows your commitment to parenthood, not detracts from it
Most importantly, remember that the best response to judgment is often internal rather than external. Instead of feeling compelled to defend your choices, remind yourself: "I know my situation. I've carefully considered my options. My reproductive choices don't require others' approval."
Building Your Support Network
One of the most powerful ways to counter judgment is to consciously build a community that supports your choices. This might include:
- Finding online or in-person groups specific to your path (solo parenting, donor conception, IVF, etc.)
- Connecting with a therapist who specialises in fertility and family building
- Being selective about which friends and family members you share details with
- Following accounts on social media that normalize and celebrate diverse paths to parenthood
While we can't control others' opinions, we can control whose voices we allow to influence our journey.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Creating Your Protective Shield
One of the most powerful tools we have when facing judgment is a strategy. This week, I invite you to create a simple "protective shield" for when you encounter these kinds of painful comments:
- Recognise the Trigger: Notice when a comment has touched a sensitive spot. The physical symptoms—racing heart, tightness in your chest, trembling hands—are signs that your body is responding to a perceived threat. This awareness alone can help you pause before reacting.
- Breathe and Disconnect: Give yourself permission to step away. Close the app, excuse yourself from the conversation, or simply say, "I need to think about that." Your immediate emotional well-being matters more than responding in the moment.
- Connect with Support: Reach out to 1-2 people who truly understand your journey—people who can remind you of your thoughtfulness, your values, and your strength. Text them, call them, or simply recall their supportive words in your mind.
- Return to Your Centre: Remind yourself of the careful consideration you've given to your fertility journey. You might even keep a note on your phone with a few sentences that affirm your values and choices.
Remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation for your most personal choices. Sometimes the most powerful response is protecting your own peace.
Your Story Matters
If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter by sharing your experience, please reply to this email. You can choose to be named or remain anonymous—this is a safe space where all experiences are valued.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
