Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #11 31st March 2025
Dear Reader,
The fertility journey often feels like a marathon with no clear finish line. While we keep moving forward, a complex mix of emotions accompany us on this path. Today, I want to explore one emotion that many of us experience but rarely discuss openly: resentment. It's normal, it's valid, and it deserves to be acknowledged.
This Week's Story: Finding Hope Amidst Resentment and Loss
By By Lucy (Midwife)
I have been trying to conceive for 4 and a half years now. Within that time frame I have lost track of how many babies my friends and family have had, some on their second! I am so happy for them and love being a part of their lives and watching their families grow but as the years have gone on I do feel resentment and sorrow wondering if I'll ever be a part of that journey.
I'm learning that it is ok for self preservation to say no to certain social events - baby showers being the obvious ones and to take time to do things that make me happy.
So far I have had three cycles - one NHS funded and the second two privately funded. The result of that has been 7 embryos transferred- 3 with failed implantation and 4 chemical pregnancies. I have no more embryos left in the freezer but refuse to believe this is the end of my journey.
Issues that have come up so far are related to male factor - virtual azoospermia (although we've always managed to get enough to make decent embryos!) and I have some clotting issues and NK cells. This means a LOT of medication with every cycle. I can honestly say I no longer feel like myself anymore. My emotions are always in turmoil and there's always some reminder of what could have been. Something as simple as my belly hurting when I run due to the weeks of blood thinning injections and shadows of the bruises that remain.
Moving on, I've decided that treatment in the UK is no longer something I can financially cope with. IVF with all the costly added extras have drained my savings and left me struggling to pay for future treatments. My finances are a constant source of stress. I hope the system can one day change to support people financially. Me and my partner have made the decision to move onto donor sperm and having treatment abroad as it's more affordable.
Thankfully, as a midwife, my workplace has been pretty supportive but I am surrounded not only by patients but colleagues talking about their pregnancies - I find leaning on friends and others in a similar situation to be helpful and seeing patients come in following IVF always gives me hope.
My next task is trawling the donor banks for our donor sperm - wish me luck!
Deep Dive: When Resentment Surfaces on the Fertility Journey
Lucy's story touches on an emotion many of us experience but often feel guilty about acknowledging - resentment. It can emerge in different ways throughout our fertility journeys, and understanding these patterns can help us process these feelings with more self-compassion.
1. Social Resentment: When Others Get What You Long For
As Lucy describes, watching friends and family members grow their families while you remain “in limbo” can trigger complicated feelings. You genuinely feel happy for them, yet simultaneously experience a deep ache and, sometimes, resentment.
This doesn't make you a bad person or a bad friend. It makes you human. The resentment comes from the unfairness of your situation. The ease with which others seem to achieve what has become such a huge challenge for you.
What my psychologist self wants to tell you: These feelings don't diminish your capacity for joy or your love for those close to you. They're a natural response to ongoing grief. Setting boundaries around certain events or conversations is an act of self-care, not selfishness.
2. Resentment Toward the System
Then there is the financial burden of fertility treatment, and the sometimes less than ideal care we receive, both of which can force many to make agonising decisions based on resources rather than medical needs or personal desires. The postcode lottery of NHS funding, the prohibitive costs of private treatment, the poor care that can come from both, and the necessity of considering treatment abroad, all highlight systemic issues that can fuel a deep sense of injustice.
What my psychologist self wants to tell you: This anger at systemic unfairness is completely valid.
3. Resentment Toward Your Changing Self
"I no longer feel like myself anymore," Lucy writes - a feeling that resonates with many on this journey. The physical toll of medications, the emotional rollercoaster, the constant awareness of what could have been, and the shifting sense of identity can create a form of self-directed resentment. You might resent how fertility struggles have changed you, altered your priorities, or changed your plans.
What my psychologist self wants to tell you: It's okay to grieve the person you were before this journey, while also acknowledging the strength, resilience, and depth you've developed through it. This experience changes us, but it doesn't have to define us completely.
Finding Balance Amidst Resentment
How do we acknowledge these feelings without letting them overwhelm us? Here are some approaches that might help:
- Acknowledge without judgment: Simply naming "I'm feeling resentment right now" creates space between you and the emotion, allowing you to observe it rather than be consumed by it.
- Seek community: Finding others in similar situations can provide invaluable support. Sharing these complex emotions with those who truly understand can lighten their weight.
- Practice self-preservation: Declining certain events like baby showers is a powerful example of honouring your emotional needs. Setting boundaries isn't selfish; it's necessary.
- Look for glimmers of joy: Notice what brings you moments of joy, whether it's spending time with friends, going on date nights or long walks with the dog. Make sure you are prioritising time for these activities, so life continues to exist outside of fertility.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: The Resentment Release
Find a quiet space and try this three-step exercise:
- On paper, complete the sentence: "I feel resentment when..." Write freely, without censoring yourself. List all instances that come to mind.
- For each instance of resentment, ask yourself: "What is this resentment really telling me?" Often, resentment shields us from deeper feelings of grief, fear, or helplessness.
- Close by writing one small way you can show yourself compassion around each of these experiences.
This isn't about eliminating resentment, but about understanding what it's trying to tell you and finding gentle ways to hold these difficult emotions.
Your Story Matters
Lucy's willingness to share her experience reminds us of the power of vulnerability and connection. Would you like to contribute your story to a future newsletter? Your words could provide comfort and recognition to others walking similar paths.
If you'd like to share, please reply to this email. You can choose to be named or remain anonymous — this is your story to tell in whatever way feels right.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
