Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #10 24th March 2025
Dear Reader,
This edition of Beyond the Wait looks a little different, as I don't have a personal story to share this week. But sometimes a slight change in routine can create space for something else that's needed - and today, that's a deeper exploration of self-compassion on the fertility journey.
I'm mindful that on our fertility journey we can feel caught between two feelings - between hope and disappointment, between pushing forward and needing rest. Wherever you find yourself today on this path, I hope this newsletter offers something that resonates.
Deep Dive: Self-Compassion Through the Fertility Journey
Self-compassion is something I talk about frequently in sessions, and also something I've personally found incredibly challenging during my own fertility struggles. It's one thing to know intellectually that we should be kind to ourselves; it's quite another to actually practice it when we're in the midst of what can feel like our body failing.
As one client recently told me, "everyone tells me to be kind to myself, but no one tells me HOW when I feel like my body is failing at the one thing it's supposed to do naturally."
Let's explore why self-compassion is so difficult during infertility and look at some specific, practical approaches that might help:
1. Why Self-Compassion is So Hard During Fertility Struggles
When experiencing infertility, there's often an internal narrative that goes something like: "My body is broken. It's failing at something that seems to come easily to others." This perception of failure can lead to a relentless inner critic that whispers (or sometimes shouts) that we're somehow responsible, that we should have known better, done more, started earlier, or made different choices.
This self-criticism is often compounded by well-meaning but misguided advice from others - "just relax," "try not to think about it," "my friend did X and got pregnant right away." These comments, regardless of intention, can reinforce the idea that if we just did something differently, this wouldn't be happening.
The fertility journey is also unique in how it combines hope and loss in a monthly cycle. Each new attempt brings renewed hope, and each disappointment brings fresh grief. It's exhausting to navigate these emotional extremes month after month, and exhaustion makes self-compassion even harder to access.
2. Starting with Self-Compassion: Practical Approaches
Here are some specific strategies that have helped my clients (and myself) begin cultivating self-compassion during the fertility journey:
The Physical Touch Technique
Our bodies respond to physical touch in powerful ways. When you notice self-critical thoughts arising or feel overwhelmed by grief or disappointment:
- Place one hand over your heart and the other on your abdomen
- Feel the warmth of your hands against your body
- Take three slow, deep breaths
- Gently say to yourself: "This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of being human. May I be kind to myself right now."
This practice activates your body's soothing response system. It might feel awkward at first, but the combination of touch, breath, and kind words helps interrupt the stress response that often accompanies self-criticism.
I remember practicing this during my own therapy and feeling incredibly self-conscious. But when I tried it during a particularly difficult moment, I was surprised by how quickly it helped calm my racing thoughts.
The Most Generous Interpretation
When something goes "wrong" in your fertility journey - whether it's a negative pregnancy test, a cancelled cycle, or an unexpected complication - try asking yourself:
"What is the most generous interpretation I could give to my body right now?"
For example, instead of "my body is failing me," you might consider, "my body is trying its best in a complex process with many variables beyond my control."
Or instead of "I should have known better than to get my hopes up," perhaps: "hope is how I keep going on this difficult journey. It's natural and brave to hope."
This isn't about toxic positivity or denying real feelings of grief or frustration. It's about challenging the assumption that your body is against you or that you're somehow at fault.
One client created a note in her phone with her "most generous interpretations" that she could refer to when self-criticism was at its loudest. She would add to it after therapy sessions or when she had moments of clarity.
3. Self-Compassion as a Practice, NOT a Destination
The most important thing to remember about self-compassion is that it's not something you achieve once and then maintain perfectly. It's a practice that requires regular attention, especially during challenging times.
On some days, you might find it relatively easy to be kind to yourself. On others, particularly after disappointments or when confronted with triggers like pregnancy announcements or baby showers, self-criticism might come back with full force.
This isn't failure - it's being human. Each time you notice self-criticism and make even the smallest attempt to respond with kindness instead, you're strengthening your self-compassion muscle.
As I often tell my clients: "You don't have to be perfect at being kind to yourself. You just have to keep trying."
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: The Self-Compassion Letter
This exercise requires about 15-20 minutes of quiet time:
- Think about a recent moment when you were hard on yourself regarding your fertility journey
- Now, imagine a close friend came to you experiencing the exact same situation and feelings
- Write a letter to this imaginary friend. What would you say to comfort them? How would you remind them of their worth beyond fertility outcomes? What new perspective might you offer?
- After writing the letter, read it back to yourself, recognizing that the compassion you so naturally extend to others is also something you deserve
Many clients find it revealing how much easier it is to offer compassion to others than to themselves. This exercise helps bridge that gap, allowing you to benefit from your own wisdom and kindness.
Your Story Matters
Would you be willing to share your experience of the fertility journey? What has been the hardest part? What has helped you in difficult moments?
If you'd like to contribute your story to a future newsletter, please reply to this email. You can choose to remain anonymous or include your name - whatever feels comfortable. Your experiences could help others feel less alone and provide insights for those struggling.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
​
​