Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #6 24th February 2025
Dear Reader,
There's something uniquely challenging about stepping back onto a path that has caused us pain before. Whether it's starting another round of treatment, trying again after loss, or simply opening ourselves up to hope again – it takes a lot of courage.
This Week's Story: When Moving Forward Feels Like Both a Victory and a Battle
By Dr. Grace
After months of thyroid challenges putting everything on hold, I finally had my follow-up appointment with the clinic. The news? If my thyroid continues to behave, we can proceed with our next round of IVF in a few months. You'd think this would bring pure relief – finally we can move forward after so much waiting. But it’s so much more complicated than that.
My body's immediate response surprised me. Rather than excitement, I felt fear and trepidation. After two failed rounds of IVF, no blastocysts, and an early miscarriage, the thought of stepping back into that world feels like willingly walking into something I know could break me.
And the thought of what lies ahead exhausts me – the constant appointments, the blood tests, the updates, the waiting, the hoping, the potential disappointment. My body remembers the physical and emotional toll of our previous attempts. It's like muscle memory, but for trauma.
Yet here's the thing that keeps me moving forward: the alternative feels even scarier. The thought of not trying, of giving up on this dream, of always wondering 'what if' – that feels like a heavier burden to carry. So here I am, holding both the fear and the determination, the exhaustion and the hope.
I know there's no "right" way to feel about treatment. Some days I can access my professional knowledge and remind myself about trauma responses and the importance of self-compassion. Other days, I'm purely in my emotional self, feeling every ounce of fear and vulnerability.
Deep Dive: The Complex Emotions of Fertility Treatment
When we talk about fertility treatment, we often focus on the physical aspects – the medications, the procedures, the protocols. But the emotional landscape is equally complex and demanding. Let's explore some of these feelings that often go unspoken:
1. The Weight of Previous Experiences
Our past fertility treatments take a toll on both our minds and bodies. Each negative test, each loss, each disappointment becomes part of our emotional landscape. When facing treatment again, these memories become must more prominent, not just in our minds, but in our bodies too. You might find yourself tensing up at the sight of a waiting room that looks similar to where you received difficult news, or feeling your heart race when you notice that familiar clinical smell.
The challenge lies in acknowledging these past experiences while still allowing space for new possibilities. It's like carrying a heavy backpack of memories while trying to walk a new path – we can't simply put the backpack down, but we can learn to carry it differently.
2. The Battle Between Instinct and Intent
Our bodies' fear response to fertility treatment is actually a sign that our protective systems are working exactly as they should. When we've experienced something painful or traumatic, our bodies try to protect us from experiencing that pain again. That's why you might feel physical anxiety symptoms – racing heart, tight chest, nausea – when thinking about starting treatment. Your body is essentially saying "I remember this hurt us before, and I want to keep us safe."
The challenge comes because our deeper desire for a child means we need to move forward despite these protective signals. It's like having an internal tug-of-war between our survival instincts and our hopes.
3. The Exhaustion Before Beginning
The fatigue that comes with preparing for treatment is real and valid. It's not just about the physical demands ahead – it's the mental load of organising appointments, adjusting work schedules, planning finances, and managing medications. Then there's the emotional preparation: preparing for the rollercoaster ahead, managing expectations (both our own and others'), and trying to find that delicate balance between hope and protection.
This pre-treatment exhaustion often goes unrecognized, but it's a significant part of the journey. It's like preparing for a marathon – the training and preparation can be as demanding as the race itself.
4. The Hope-Fear Dance
Hope and fear in fertility treatment are not opposites, they play a role in one another– when one steps forward, the other often follows. Many of us try to protect ourselves by trying to control our hope with caution, thinking if we expect the worst, it won't hurt as much. Yet hope has a way of sneaking in with each new treatment cycle, each small positive sign.
Meanwhile, we're often surrounded by well-meaning people who don't understand this complex dynamic. They encourage us to "just be positive" or "have faith," not realizing that our measured approach to hope isn't pessimism – it's emotional survival. The key isn't to eliminate either hope or fear, but to acknowledge both as valid parts of our journey.
The reality is that both hope and fear serve important purposes. Hope gives us the courage to continue, while fear reminds us to take care of ourselves along the way. Learning to hold space for both is one of the most challenging, but important, parts of the fertility journey.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Journaling Through the Overwhelm
When we're facing treatment, our thoughts and emotions can become complicated and overwhelming. This week, I invite you to explore them through journaling. Find a quiet moment and a private space, and consider these prompts:
- "When I think about starting treatment (again), my body feels..."
- "The part of me that's scared wants to tell me..."
- "The part of me that wants to move forward wants to tell me..."
- "What I wish others understood about this experience is..."
- "One way I can support myself through this process is..."
Remember, there are no "right" answers. Write freely, without judgment. Sometimes, simply acknowledging our fears on paper can help us carry them more gently.
Your Story Matters
Are you currently in treatment or preparing to start? Would you like to share your story about navigating these complex emotions? Your words could help others feel less alone in their fears and hopes.
If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email (you can be named or be anonymous – it’s up to you). This is a safe space where all feelings are valid, where fear and hope can coexist, and where your story matters.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
