Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #7 17th March 2025
Dear Reader,
When it comes to fertility challenges, we often focus on individual experiences, but infertility is rarely faced alone. For many, it becomes a shared journey with a partner. One that can either drive you apart, or bring you closer together. Today, we're exploring how partners can navigate this path together, even when their experiences differ significantly.
This Week's Story: The Uneven Weight of Infertility
By My Anonymous(ish) Partner
Three years. That's how long my partner and I have been trying to conceive. Three years of hope, heartbreak, and picking up the pieces. After a year and a half, we turned to IVF, clinging to the belief that despite the high cost - it would be the simple answer to all our problems. But after two failed rounds and a miscarriage, we're still here, waiting, hoping.
But she carries the weight of it so much more than I do. I see it in her every single day, in her body, in the way she interacts with me and family, in the way she goes about her day. She endures it all. The hormone injections, the relentless vitamin schedule, the side effects, and the gut-wrenching two-week wait—over and over again. And comparatively, I do nothing! It feels unfair. I hate how helpless I am and feel guilty about my role in this.
I try to support her, to be strong for both of us, but I know I fall short. Sometimes I don't know what to say, how to comfort her, how to take away even a fraction of her pain. I want to be her rock, but sometimes I don't know how. She needs comfort, reassurance, and patience, but I don't always have the right words. I end up feeling like I'm failing her when she needs me most.
And then there's the waiting. The endless uncertainty. Living in limbo, caught between hope and heartbreak. But we keep going. Because she is strong. Because we are strong. Because we still believe.
Deep Dive: Finding Connection During Fertility Struggles
Infertility creates a unique strain on relationships. It can feel like you're both climbing the same mountain, but on completely different paths. Here's what I've observed in my clinical work and through my own experience:
1. Different Grief, Same Loss
Partners often grieve differently during fertility struggles. The person not physically experiencing treatments might feel guilty for not "suffering enough," while the one going through medical interventions might feel isolated in their physical experience.
Remember: Different grieving styles don't mean different levels of caring. Some process emotions internally, some need to talk through every feeling, and others focus on practical matters. None of these approaches is better than the others—they're just different paths through the same difficult journey.
2. Getting in the Mud Together
When one partner is deep in their emotions—the mud of grief or disappointment—the other's instinct is often to try pulling them out with logic or "it's not that bad" comments.
But what the person in the mud usually needs isn't to be pulled out before they're ready. They need someone to get in the mud with them—to understand what it feels like, to validate that yes, this is really hard, and to simply be present in that difficult space.
Only when someone feels truly heard can they start to move forward on their own terms.
3. The Unequal Impact
The reality is that fertility treatment often impacts partners unequally—physically, emotionally, and socially. The partner whose body is going through treatment carries a burden that the other simply cannot fully share.
This inequality can create feelings of helplessness, guilt, and even resentment on both sides. The key isn't trying to make the impacts equal—because they never can be—but rather acknowledging and respecting these differences.
4. Building a Team Mindset
When infertility drags on, it can start to feel like you're each fighting individual battles rather than facing this as a team. Building a team mindset means:
- Being honest about where you're at emotionally, even when it's messy
- Creating regular check-ins about how you're feeling, not just treatment updates
- Making decisions together, even when one partner will bear more of the physical burden
- Remembering that this is a "we" problem, not a "you" or "me" problem
5. Reconnecting Beyond Infertility
Perhaps the most difficult impact of long-term fertility struggles is how they can come to define your relationship. Date nights become discussions about treatment plans. Intimacy becomes scheduled and clinical.
While it's important to make space for the grief of infertility, it's equally important to nurture the parts of your relationship that exist outside of it. Try to carve out infertility-free times—perhaps a weekly date night where treatment talk is off-limits, or activities that reconnect you with what brought you together in the first place.
This Week's Connection Exercise: The Generous Interpretation
When communication breaks down during stressful times, we often assume the worst about our partner's intentions. This week, try practicing "the most generous interpretation."
Here's how it works:
- When your partner says or does something that hurts or frustrates you, pause before reacting.
- Ask yourself: "What would be the most generous interpretation of their words or actions? If they were acting from a place of love, what might be driving this behaviour?"
- Share your interpretation as a question: "I noticed you changed the subject when I brought up our next steps. I'm wondering if maybe you're feeling overwhelmed and needed a break from treatment talk?"
This practice creates space for honest conversation rather than defensive reactions. You won’t get it right every time, and you’ll often forget about it all together, but you can always come back to the conversation when things have cooled down.
Your Story Matters
Do you have a story about your fertility journey that you'd like to share? Whether it's about navigating relationships, processing emotions, finding strength, or any other aspect of this experience – we'd love to hear from you.
If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email. You can remain anonymous if you prefer. Your experiences could help others feel less alone on this difficult path.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
