Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #12 7th April 2025
Dear Reader,
Uncertainty is perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of the fertility journey. Unlike many life difficulties that come with clear timelines or definitive answers, infertility often leaves us in an extended state of limbo. We don't know if treatments will work, how long our journey will last, or what our family will ultimately look like. This week, we explore how to live meaningfully while carrying this burden of not knowing.
This Week's Story: When Your Body Has Other Plans
Shared Anonymously
I’m lying in the sun relaxing. My partner is pottering around and I’m feeling relatively relaxed. However, there is a nagging feeling. A “you can’t be fully happy” feeling. A “missing something” feeling.
This week we found out our second round of IVF was not successful. We knew this was likely to be the case, given our previous experiences. You would think the lack of hope made the experience a little easier. And maybe it did, we have nothing to compare it to, however I still feel crushed.
The nagging thought that we may never have that desperately wanted child is always with me at the moment. Even in my most relaxed or happy state. It’s physically painful. I wish I didn’t want it so bad. That I could be happy with my lot in life. I can’t.
And the uncertainty of what’s to come is almost worse than the sadness. Our clinical team, to whom we have paid thousands of pounds, do not know what our next steps should be. They are stumped. And with every bit of uncertainty they communicate to us, a little bit more of our already very low hope disappears.
We are left with a very painful idea, the idea this journey may not result in a happy ending. A journey which we are almost 3 years into, which has been painful, uncertain, anxiety provoking, time consuming, exhausting and expensive, and that may all be for nothing.
Deep Dive: Will This Journey End with a Baby?
Perhaps the most difficult uncertainty in infertility is the fundamental question that chappes every decision, every treatment, every emotional response: Will this journey end with a baby? Unlike many other journeys with clearer outcomes, the fertility path often refuses to offer definitive answers.
This uncertainty shapes everything. It shapes how we approach treatment options—should we try one more IVF cycle or consider other paths to parenthood? It impacts our financial decisions—how much more should we invest in treatments when success isn't guaranteed? It effects our relationship with our bodies—is continuing to try worth the physical and hormonal toll?
The not knowing creates a limbo where we can neither fully embrace hope nor fully process grief. We exist in an in-between state that we psychologists sometimes call "ambiguous loss"—grieving something that isn't definitively gone, yet isn't definitively present either.
This limbo affects how we think about the future in profound ways. Planning becomes complicated by parallel possibilities—one future with a baby, one without. Some find themselves hesitating to make major life decisions: changing jobs, moving homes, or even planning holidays can feel impossible when such a fundamental question remains unanswered.
The emotional toll of this particular uncertainty is immense. Each negative test or failed treatment cycle isn't just a disappointment in itself—it carries the weight of the bigger question: Is this another step in an eventually successful journey, or another sign that our path might not lead to parenthood? Without knowing which narrative we're living, processing these experiences becomes extraordinarily difficult.
What makes this uncertainty especially challenging is that even medical professionals often can't provide clear answers. Success rates are presented as statistics that can guide decisions but they never guarantee individual outcomes. Even with the most advanced testing, the question of whether a particular person's fertility journey will end with a baby often remains unanswerable until it actually happens—or until one chooses to end the journey.
Living with this uncertainty requires developing a complex relationship with hope. Too much hope leaves us vulnerable to crushing disappointment; too little makes it hard to continue. Many find their hope changing day by day—allowing themselves to hope just enough to take the next step, while trying to protect their hearts from complete devastation.
Perhaps the most profound challenge is finding meaning and purpose while carrying this uncertainty. If we could know for certain our journey would end with a child, the hardships might feel more bearable, more "worth it." If we knew for certain it wouldn't, we could begin the process of grieving and rebuilding around a different vision of family.
But living in between makes finding meaning hard. It means recognising that how we navigate this uncertainty—how we care for ourselves and our relationships, how we make difficult decisions with imperfect information, how we find moments of joy despite the pain—has inherent worth that isn't dependent on whether we eventually become parents.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Creating Moments of Certainty
When so much feels uncertain, it can help to deliberately create small pockets of certainty in your life:
- Identify 3 small rituals that feel nourishing and are completely within your control. These might be as simple as your morning cup of tea, an evening walk, or reading a few pages of a book before bed.
- Make these rituals non-negotiable appointments with yourself. They don't need to be time-consuming—even 5-10 minutes is enough.
- When performing these rituals, practice being fully present. Notice the sensations, the small pleasures, the moment of pause they create in your day.
- If your mind wanders to fertility concerns during these times, gently acknowledge those thoughts and then bring your attention back to the present moment.
These small moments of certainty won't eliminate the broader uncertainty of your fertility journey, but they can provide brief respites—moments when you know exactly what will happen.
Your Story Matters
Are you currently navigating the uncertainty of infertility? Your experiences and insights could provide comfort and guidance to others walking this path.
If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email (you can be named or anonymous—it's entirely your choice). This community thrives when we share our stories, our struggles, and our small victories with each other.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
