Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #18 23rd June 2025
Dear Reader,
If I'm honest, jealousy might be one of the most uncomfortable emotions I've experienced on this journey. It's the feeling we're least likely to admit to, the one that makes us question what kind of person we really are. But jealousy during infertility is totally normal.
Deep Dive: The Many Types of Jealousy on the Fertility Journey
When we think about jealousy during fertility struggles, our minds immediately go to the obvious - being jealous of those who have babies (especially those who have babies with ease). But the jealousy we experience is far more complex and layered than this. Let's explore the different types of jealousy that show up, and why they feel so consuming.
1. Jealousy of Their Ease
This is one of the more obvious ones. Watching others conceive without effort while you've been tracking ovulation, timing sex, and managing treatment cycles for months or years. "We weren't even trying" HURTS to hear.
But this isn't just about the pregnancy or baby itself. It's about watching someone effortlessly achieve what you've been desperately working towards. It's the unfairness of it all. That it can be so easy for some and so brutal for others.
2. Jealousy of Their Innocence
This one might be less obvious. You find yourself jealous not just of their pregnancy, but of their ability to be excited about it without reservation. They get to see two lines on a test and simply feel joy.
You remember when this may have been an option for you. Before you learned about chemical pregnancies, before you understood that a positive test doesn't guarantee a baby, before every symptom became something to analyse and worry about. They still get to live in that innocent world where pregnancy equals baby, where planning happens without the constant "what if it doesn't work" running in the background.
3. Jealousy of Their Carefree Approach
While you're researching the best prenatal vitamins, timing everything perfectly, and turning intimacy into a scheduled task, they get to just... live. They don't check their period app obsessively or analyse every twinge in their body. They don't avoid alcohol "just in case" or plan holidays around potential due dates.
It can really hurt watching someone approach conception and pregnancy with such ease when your entire life has become consumed by the process. They get to keep their spontaneity while yours disappeared months or years ago.
4. Jealousy of Their Joy
Perhaps most painful is watching others experience the pure, unguarded excitement of pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and nursery preparations. Their happiness feels so light, so uncomplicated by loss or trauma.
You remember what it felt like to imagine your own pregnancy announcement, back when you thought it would be straightforward. Now the idea of joy around trying for a baby feels laughable. Overshadowed by anxiety, tempered by previous disappointments, complicated by the knowledge of how much can go wrong.
5. Jealousy of Their Unchanged Identity
We definitely don’t talk about this one often. While your entire identity has become intertwined with trying to conceive (every decision filtered through the lens of fertility) they get to remain themselves. They're still the friend who plans spontaneous trips, who makes career moves without considering treatment schedules, who talks about topics other than ovulation and medications.
You find yourself jealous not just of their pregnancy and babies, but of their ability to be the person you used to be. The person who had interests beyond fertility, who could be present in conversations that didn't revolve around fertility, who felt like a whole person rather than someone defined by what they are going through.
6. Jealousy of Their Certainty
You find yourself jealous of their certainty, their ability to plan, their confidence in what's coming. While you live in constant uncertainty about whether your family dreams will ever become reality, they get to assume theirs will. They make plans for next Christmas, book holidays for the following year, talk about age gaps between siblings. That security of knowing feels further and further away by the day..
Why Jealousy Feels So Shameful
The reason jealousy feels so uncomfortable during fertility struggles is that it directly conflicts with who we think we should be. Good people are supposed to be happy for others. Good friends don't feel resentment towards those they love. To be good is to support one another.
But I want you to know that feeling jealous doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you human. It makes you someone who is grieving while watching others effortlessly receive what you desperately want.
Your jealousy isn't really about them, it's about your pain. It's grief. It's the natural response to watching others have access to something that feels impossible for you.
Making Space for Complex Feelings
You can love your friends AND feel jealous of their experience. You can want them in your life AND need space from them sometimes. You can support others AND protect yourself. These aren't contradictions, they're the complex reality of being human during an really difficult time.
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Acknowledging Your Jealousy
This week, try to notice when jealousy shows up without immediately pushing it away or judging yourself for it. Instead:
- Name it: "I'm feeling jealous right now, and that's okay."
- Get curious: What specifically am I jealous of? Their ease? Their innocence? Their joy?
- Look underneath: What does this jealousy tell me about what I'm grieving?
- Offer yourself compassion: "Of course I feel this way. I'm human, and I'm hurting."
- Take care of yourself: What do I need right now to feel supported?
Remember, acknowledging jealousy doesn't mean acting on it or letting it consume you. It means being honest about the full range of emotions this journey brings up.
A Quick Note
I'll be taking a two week break as I am off on my holiday, so the next newsletter will arrive in your inbox on 14th July. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with you then and sharing more insights on this journey we're navigating together.
Let me know your thoughts
If you have a topic you'd like me to cover in a future newsletter, message me - I'd love to hear what would be most helpful for you right now.
And if you'd like to share your experience for a future newsletter, please reply to this email. Your story could be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
