Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #16 2nd June 2025
Dear Reader,
I want to talk about the thoughts that show up in the quiet moments of this journey. The ones we don't share at support groups or mention to our partners. The ones that feel too dark, too shameful, too irrational to speak aloud. But these thoughts are more common than we realise, and they deserve acknowledgment too.
This Week's Story: The Thoughts We Keep Hidden
By Dr. Grace
Last week, I caught myself staring at a woman rocking her baby in a pram, while her older daughter was climbing up to give the baby a kiss. For a split second, my mind went to a familiar, painful place: "Maybe there's a reason this isn't happening for us."
The thought hurt as it always does. Here I was, a clinical psychologist who works with people trying to grow their families, someone who knows that fertility struggles have nothing to do with worthiness or parenting ability. Yet in that moment, my rational mind couldn't protect me from that dark place my brain goes to from time to time.
I've noticed these thoughts ebb and flow through out this journey. After years of trying, failed treatments, and watching others seemingly effortlessly grow their families, part of me wonders if there's some cosmic reason we're being held back. As if the universe has looked at us and decided we wouldn’t manage, we’re not quite deserving, we’re not quite enough.
These thoughts are brutal because they feel both completely irrational and very real. My professional self knows better, but my fertility-exhausted self sometimes notices these thoughts and wonders if they might be true.
Deep Dive: The Hidden Shame of Fertility Self-Doubt
When we talk about the emotional impact of infertility, we often focus on the more obvious feelings - grief, anxiety, frustration. But there's a darker layer of thoughts that many of us keep to ourselves. These are the beliefs about ourselves that infertility can create or amplify, and they deserve acknowledgment and compassion.
1. "Maybe I Didn't Want This Enough"
This thought is particularly painful because it takes our past choices and uses them as evidence against us. We start questioning every decision we made before trying to conceive: "Maybe if I hadn't focused so much on my career..." "Maybe if I hadn't waited to get married..." "Maybe if I had started trying earlier instead of enjoying our time as it was then..."
These thoughts are amplified by societal messages around manifestation and positive thinking. We're told that if we want something badly enough, if we visualize it clearly enough, if we believe strongly enough, it will happen. When it doesn't, we're left wondering if our desire wasn't strong or committed enough.
The cruel irony is that we often made those earlier choices from a place of responsibility. We wanted to be financially stable, emotionally ready, in a strong relationship. We were told that was the "right" way to do things. Yet now, infertility makes us question whether those sensible decisions were big mistakes.
This self-blame becomes even more complex when we remember moments of ambivalence - times when we weren't sure we wanted children/another child, or when we felt relieved to have more time as a couple/smaller family. We think to ourselves: "If I had really wanted this, wouldn't I have felt ready sooner? Wouldn't I have never had doubts?"
But wanting children deeply doesn't mean never feeling uncertain or appreciating your life before them. Your thoughtful approach indicates wisdom and responsibility.
2. "I Wouldn't Be a Good Enough Parent"
Infertility can make us question our fundamental capabilities. When our bodies struggle with the most "basic" biological function, it's easy to spiral into questioning everything else about our potential as parents.
These thoughts can even feel logical at times: "If I can't even get pregnant, how can I trust myself to raise a child/another child?" But conceiving and parenting are entirely different skills. Your struggle to conceive says absolutely nothing about your capacity for love, patience, protection, or any of the qualities that matter in parenting.
3. "There Must Be Something Wrong With Me"
Beyond the medical investigations and diagnoses there is a deeper question. We might find ourselves wondering: "Is there something fundamentally flawed about me? Am I being punished for something? Do I have some character defect that makes me unworthy of parenthood?"
These thoughts often come from our need to make sense of this horrendous journey. When we struggle to understand why we are the unlucky ones who fall into the 1 in 6 statistics, our minds sometimes create psychological or moral explanations. But infertility isn't a reflection of your character. It's a medical condition that affects people regardless of their worthiness, kindness, or goodness.
4. "I Don't Deserve This Dream"
This belief can be particularly strong for those who had ambivalent feelings about parenthood in the past, those who already have children, or those who feel they've made mistakes in life. The thought goes: "Maybe this is payback for having done X" or "Maybe I don't deserve this because I already have one child".
These thoughts often come from a place of trying to find control in an uncontrollable situation. If we can identify something we did "wrong," then maybe we can fix it. If we can find why we don’t deserve it, then maybe we can “accept” our infertility. But infertility doesn't discriminate based on who "deserves" children, if it did, we would all have the children we desire.
Why These Thoughts Emerge
These painful beliefs often develop as our minds try to make sense of our suffering. When we can't control the outcome, we sometimes turn the blame inward. It can feel safer to believe there's something wrong with us than to accept that sometimes terrible things happen to good people for no reason at all and that we have no control.
These thoughts are also amplified by a culture that often treats pregnancy as something that happens easily for "normal" people. When we struggle, we internalize the message that we must be somehow different, flawed, or undeserving.
Moving Forward With Compassion
If these thoughts resonate with you, please know: they are symptoms of trauma and loss, not truths about who you are. Your worth isn't determined by your fertility. Your capacity for love isn't measured by your ability to conceive. Your deservingness of joy isn't conditional on perfect life circumstances.
When these thoughts arise, try to meet them with the same compassion you'd offer a dear friend. You didn't choose this journey, and walking it doesn't make you less worthy of the destination.
This Week's Self-Care Practice: Rewriting the Narrative
When a harsh, self-critical thought about your fertility journey arises this week, try this:
- Notice the thought without judgment
- Ask yourself: "Would I say this to someone I love who was going through the same thing?"
- Rewrite the thought as you would speak to that loved person
- Speak these kinder words to yourself, out loud if possible
Remember, healing happens in when we acknowledge our struggles rather than pushing them away to the dark.
Your Story Matters
Have you experienced these harder-to-share thoughts? Sometimes sharing them helps us realise how common and understandable they are. If you'd like to contribute your experience (anonymously or named) to help others feel less alone, please reply to this email.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
