Beyond The Wait...
A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility
Issue #15 12th May 2025
Dear Reader,
Sometimes the most powerful acts of self-care are the ones we almost talk ourselves out of. The ones that feel too indulgent, too selfish, or too disconnected from our fertility journey. Yet these moments often provide exactly what we need - a chance to remember who we are beyond our fertility struggles.
This Week's Story: Finding a Moment of Stillness
By Dr. Grace
This week, I did something I've never done before - I went on a yoga retreat. For 2 and a half days, I stepped away from my regular life, my work, and all the mental load that comes with navigating infertility.
I almost cancelled a thousand times. The morning before, I sat on my bed surrounded by half-packed things, thinking of all the reasons I shouldn't go. The work that would pile up. The expense that felt so indulgent when we're paying so much for fertility treatments. The worry about what I might miss. The guilt about taking time just for me when so much of our lives is already focused on my body, my health, my fertility.
But somewhere beneath all those thoughts was a quieter voice - my body telling me it needed this break. After years of fertility treatments, disappointments, and the constant vigilance of trying to conceive, my body was asking for gentleness.
So, I went. And yes, triggers still existed in this new environment. The inevitable questions came: "Do you have children?", "How many?", "Are you planning on more?". The slight awkward pause when I mentioned infertility. The casual conversations about family life that carried on around me. These moments still stung at points, but somehow, in this new context, they felt less consuming.
What surprised me most was the level of relaxation I found - a deep calm I hadn't experienced in years. There was something so nurturing about being looked after, about not having to make any decisions, about being gently guided into relaxation and movement. About receiving kindness from others without having to earn it or explain why I needed it.
During a meditation, “the words you are enough” and “you are loved”, felt like a jolt through my body. I realised these were the words I needed reminding of. That despite my infertility, despite my inability to make a child, I am enough and I am loved. I noticed my shoulders had dropped away from my ears. My jaw had unclenched. I was just breathing, just being - not trying, not waiting, not hoping or fearing. Just present.
It wasn't that I'd forgotten or abandoned our journey - rather, I'd remembered once again that I am more than this journey. That my body is not just a reproductive system that isn't cooperating, but a whole being that deserves care and compassion.
As I drove home yesterday, I felt a subtle shift. The weight of infertility was still there (it always is), but I was carrying it differently. With a little more space around it. A little more breath. How long this last is yet to be seen, after all, I can’t live in a yoga retreat, but it was a welcome and needed re-set for my tired nervous system.
Deep Dive: The Self-Care Paradox on the Fertility Journey
When we're on the fertility journey, self-care often becomes yet another complicated thig to navigate. What should feel nurturing and supportive can sometimes trigger unexpected feelings of threat, anxiety, or guilt. Let's explore this paradox and why it's so common:
- The "Not Doing Enough" Trap
For many of us struggling with infertility, there's an underlying belief that if we just try hard enough, do enough research, take enough supplements, or make enough lifestyle changes, we can solve the problem. This mindset can transform self-care from a nurturing practice into another demanding item on our fertility to-do list.
When we allow ourselves to rest, or to engage in self-care that isn't explicitly fertility-focused, we may have a voice saying: "Shouldn't you be researching that new protocol instead?" or "Is this relaxation actually helping you get pregnant?" or “I’ve got so much more self-care on my to do list to fit in”. These thoughts can trigger our threat system, making what should be restorative activities feel anxiety-producing instead.
The truth is that genuine self-care often means stepping away from the constant doing and allowing ourselves to simply be - even when that feels counterproductive to our fertility goals.
- The Guilt of Pleasure During Difficulties
Many of my clients describe feeling a sense of guilt when they experience joy or pleasure while still in the midst of their fertility struggle. It's as if allowing themselves moments of happiness somehow diminishes the importance of their fertility journey or suggests they aren't taking it seriously enough.
This can create an internal conflict: a part of us desperately needs moments of lightness and pleasure to sustain us through this challenging time, while another part feels we don't deserve enjoyment until we've "solved" our fertility issues.
Remember: experiencing joy, pleasure, and relaxation doesn't mean you care any less about your fertility journey. Rather, these moments help resource you for the road ahead.
- The Fear of Hope
Sometimes self-care activities - especially mindfulness, yoga, or relaxation practices - can open us up to feelings of hope that we've been avoiding. The hope our usual busyness protects us from. In the quiet spaces of self-care, our true feelings might surface, including this hope that feels so vulnerable.
This is why some of my client’s report feeling unexpectedly emotional, or even anxious, after engaging in activities that are meant to be calming. It's not that the self-care itself is harmful - it's that it creates space for feelings we've been holding at bay.
- Finding Balance: Self-Care That Truly Feels Nurturing
Self-care during the fertility journey isn't about adding more to your plate, or creating another area of self-criticism. Instead, it's about finding what genuinely helps you feel held, supported, and like a whole person - not just someone trying to conceive.
This looks different for everyone. For some, it's vigorous exercise that helps process emotions physically. For others, it's creative expression, time in nature, or meaningful connections with friends who understand. And sometimes, it's permission to do absolutely nothing (fertility related or otherwise) for a period of time.
The key question isn't "Will this help me get pregnant?" but rather "Will this help me feel more like myself during this journey?"
This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Permission Slips
This week, I invite you to write yourself three permission slips - small notes granting yourself permission to engage in self-care without guilt, obligation, or a fertility agenda. For example:
"I give myself permission to enjoy a day out with friends without mentioning fertility once."
"I give myself permission to cancel plans when my body needs rest, without having to explain or apologise."
"I give myself permission to spend money on something that brings me joy, even if it's not fertility related."
Write these on small pieces of paper and keep them somewhere visible, or save them as notes on your phone. When the guilt or "not doing enough" feelings arise, read your permission slip as a reminder that caring for your whole self is not an indulgence - it's a necessity.
Your Story Matters
If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email (you can be named or be anonymous—it's up to you). This is a safe space where all feelings are valid, where self-care can look however it needs to for you, and where your story matters.
Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.
With compassion,
Dr. Grace 💕
@thenotsofertilepsychologist
