Beyond The Wait...

A Newsletter for Those Navigating the Complex Emotions of Infertility

Issue #13 14th April 2025

Dear Reader,

Have you ever been caught off guard by a pregnancy announcement that left you feeling like the air had been knocked out of you? Or found yourself avoiding social media after seeing yet another ultrasound photo? These moments - these triggers - are an unspoken but significant part of the fertility journey.

Today, I want to talk about something we all experience but rarely discuss openly: how to navigate a world full of fertility triggers while protecting your emotional wellbeing.

---

Deep Dive: Managing Fertility Triggers in Everyday Life

In my work with clients, I've come to understand that fertility triggers aren't just momentary discomforts - they're complex emotional experiences that can disrupt our sense of safety.

When we're triggered, we're not simply feeling envious or sad - our bodies are responding to a perceived threat. Our nervous system activates, often sending us into fight (anger, irritability), flight (avoidance, making excuses to leave), freeze (feeling numb, disconnected), or fawn (people-pleasing, pretending we're fine) responses.

These intense reactions happen because triggers tap into our deepest wounds around fertility - our grief, fear, sense of injustice, and uncertain future. When someone announces their pregnancy, your reaction isn't about their joy; it's about your pain.

These reactions don't make you a bad person. They make you human - a human experiencing a profound and ongoing loss.

Common Triggers and How to Navigate Them

While triggers vary for everyone, some of the most common include:

• Pregnancy announcements: Especially those that mention how "easy" or "unexpected" it was
• Baby showers and celebrations: Events that highlight what you're longing for
• Insensitive comments: "Just relax," "Have you tried...?", "At least you know you can get pregnant"
• Family-focused events (Christmas, mother’s day etc.): Times when your longing may feel more acute
• Medical appointments: Places that remind you of past disappointments
• Social media: The endless stream of baby photos and pregnancy updates

The challenge is that these triggers are essentially unavoidable unless you completely withdraw from life - which isn't sustainable for your wellbeing.

Practical Strategies for Managing Triggers

Rather than attempting to avoid all triggers, here's how we can build our capacity to respond to them:

Before the trigger:

• Anticipate when possible: If you know a baby shower is coming up, prepare emotionally
• Create boundaries: It's okay to decline invitations to events that feel too much right now
• Have an exit plan: For unavoidable situations, prepare an excuse to leave early if needed

During the trigger:

• Pause and breathe: Take a bathroom break if needed to ground yourself
• Name what's happening: "I'm feeling triggered right now" creates space between you and the emotion
• Use grounding techniques: Notice five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste

After the trigger:

• Process with compassion: Instead of criticising yourself, acknowledge the difficulty with kindness
• Release the emotional energy: Cry if you need to, go for a run, write in your journal
• Talk to someone who gets it: Share with your partner, a close friend, or your support group

The Special Challenge of Social Media

Social media deserves special mention because it's become one of the most common sources of unexpected triggers.

Consider these approaches:

• Curate your feed: Unfollow or mute accounts that consistently trigger you
• Set time limits: Designate specific times to check social media rather than scrolling whenever you feel bored or anxious
• Take periodic breaks: It's okay to step away altogether during particularly vulnerable times (e.g. the IVF two week wait)

When Avoidance Is Self-Care

While we can't avoid all triggers, there are times when temporary avoidance is actually an act of self-care, not weakness. During treatment cycles, after losses, or when you're feeling particularly vulnerable, it's okay to:

• Decline baby shower invitations
• Ask friends to give you a heads-up about pregnancy announcements
• Ask friends to not to discuss children at a meet up
• Step away from fertility-focused social media groups if they're causing more harm than help

The key is recognising the difference between temporary, intentional avoidance (which honours your current capacity) and long-term isolation (which can deepen your pain).

Remember: you don't have to prove your strength by exposing yourself to more than you can handle right now.

---

This Week's Self-Care Exercise: Your Trigger Response Plan

This week, I invite you to create your personal trigger response plan:

1. Identify your common triggers: List the specific situations or comments that trigger you most intensely.
2. Notice your typical responses: Do you tend toward fight, flight, freeze, or fawn? Understanding your patterns helps you respond more intentionally.
3. Create a grounding toolkit: List 3-5 techniques that work for you when emotions feel overwhelming (think breathing, stretching, holding something cold, connecting with a friend or partner)
4. Draft potential boundaries: Write down specific boundaries you might set to protect your wellbeing.
5. Identify your support system: Who can you reach out to when you're struggling?

Keep this plan somewhere accessible so you can reference it when needed.

---

Therapy Waitlist Opening

I currently have a few spots opening on my therapy waitlist. If fertility triggers are significantly impacting your wellbeing, or you are feeling run down and overwhelmed by the pressures of infertility, professional support can make a meaningful difference.

To inquire about joining the waitlist, simply reply with "WAITLIST" in the subject line, and I'll be in touch with more information.

Your Story Matters

Would you like to share your fertility journey with our community? Whether it's a moment of unexpected strength, a difficult challenge you're facing, or an insight that's helped you along the way - your experiences could help others feel less alone on this path.

If you'd like to contribute to a future newsletter, please reply to this email (you can be named or remain anonymous). This is a safe space where all feelings are valid and your story matters.

Remember Reader: You did not choose this, it is not your fault, and you are not alone.

With compassion,

Dr. Grace 💕

@thenotsofertilepsychologist

Subscribe to Beyond the Wait